How to find Love - Chapter 5 - Erma

Hi. I’ve just downed a venti Mocha Frappe, and have zero regrets about. Starbucks wifi is providing a retreat from my bedroom that is also my office, creative space and yoga studio. I knew I had to leave the house when I started talking to myself in different accents.

In other news, I got a new blue dress and it’s changed how I see the world. Sound crazy? Of course it does. But I put this dress on and it’s like nothing can stop me. I feel fearless, effortless while put together. I feel like me. This whole week I have been like a five year old in their favourite Elsa costume, taking this dress off only to shower, exercise and sleep. Who knew making clothes that actually fit plus sized women could make such an impact....I digress....  As someone would say - on with the show. 

I wanted to pull you back to right now with a current update, we’re five chapters in, and I choose to believe 5 chapters closer to finding the love of my life. I think where I am currently at can be explained by this interaction. Picture me, blazer on, high pony, the bangs sitting perfectly, the earrings reflecting light to my highlighted cheekbones and back again. Shimmering in all their gold goodness.

In walks an incredibly good looking, smart, powerful man, for the purpose of this story named R. He shot his strong hand out, forgetting for a moment that we’re in the middle of a global pandemic. I wanted to shake it, I really did. Instead I offered an elbow, for your classic elbow bump. Seemingly unsure he tapped his elbow on mine. The most action I had had in months. Still lost in another thought pattern, he spoke. “Hi I'm R” internally shaking, ready for my big moment, I replied “I’m Erma” unable to find the actual pronunciation of my name I just half smiled.

“Wow, Erma? That’s a cool name” - I left it. If he wants to call me Erma he can besides in my job it is rare to see someone twice.

Moments later, I was shown to my desk for the next four weeks. R smiled as he moved his bag over to his side of the desk. “Oh hey, plenty of room here” he said. 

I

Was 

Deceased. 

Erma continued to exist for four weeks and four weeks only.

There is hope though. It’s growing bravely in whatever space it can. I had one encounter this week that reminded me I am able to connect to male humans. I think. Like I am about ninety percent sure. His name was Isaac, like his real name. My confidence in the fact that he’ll never read this comes from the fact that we really only spoke three sentences together. None which included our last names, or the fact that every week on a Sunday I bare my soul to the world. 

He had those eyes that make you believe in being cared for. Like he could wrap me in a blanket and feed me soup I don’t even like, but I would eat. I was babysitting a printer technician at a site and there was Isaac, the receiver of said printer. Usually when it comes to getting a vibe from someone my first step is to check for a wedding ring confirming the dream is still alive. The second step is then to say my name, correctly. Then honestly I am unsure of what to do after that, it’s rare I make it to that far. If you have any tips please let me know. 

I’m kinda joking, but also not really. I was just glad for the printer technician, who was a little on the simpler side of things. It gave Isaac something to smile about, the fact that he chose to direct that smile at me could have had something to do with me being the only other human in the room or it could have been because he was also trying his best to flirt mostly just with his eyes. I’m scared to think about what I really look like when I’m trying to flirt. I live off the saying that one look can mean more than ten thousands words. However I am coming to terms with the fact that the looks that I think are alluring may actually be scary. 

We laughed at the printer guy a few times, I showed him how to make it all work, we then laughed at the complexity of multi agency networks and I had some serious thoughts about changing a few printer settings to ensure a second visit. But I didn’t. I did leave a business card though, again making it clear with only my eyes, that he could call me for any reason. Business or not, preferably not.

To tell you the truth, as open to love as I am, I can’t picture the in and outs of my day. I wonder what would have to give for me to commit to a relationship. I can’t picture that my current schedule would work. It’ll be a ride for sure. So where am I now? I’m at another level of hope. I’m learning how to use my eyes, I’m wearing dresses again, and choosing pastels for my nails. I’m drinking frappes whenever I crave one, and eating dinner solo with cows. I’m googling how to move to Paris or South Carolina. I’m dreaming with reckless abandon. 

Next week we will travel back to the sacred years, his name was maillove101.

Until then, as always,