How to Find Love - Chapter 9 - No Heroes Here

They say the most powerful thing you can do is change your mind. And I have. I realised this week that the love I have been searching for, is not actually what I want. I have realised that I am not ready for it and it is not ready for me. He probably isn’t ready for me. My whole life I have been thinking about this man, where he would show up, in parks, in cafes, in churches, I have had one eye open for this person. For a smile that would linger slightly longer. A touch that would melt my insecurities. Compliments that would take away the years that I have spent abusing my own body. A man that wouldn’t be afraid to love me and tell people he does I don’t want that anymore. 

Prompted by a question, and my own unexpected answer. It finally occurred to me that this whole time, the whole search I was waiting for someone that would love me, like I was a challenge, like that person would be doing me a favour. Like somehow because of my plus size body and loud unorthodox personality - he would have to be some sort of saint to love me. As if I have to prove who I am to him, in order to receive the love. I would always be second, be the lazy one, be the one who struggles. And he, for a lack of better example, would be the prince who chose to save the weird girl instead of the princess. A true hero, just for loving me. 

I don’t want a hero. I don’t want someone who has to look past parts of me to love me. I don’t want someone who is labelled kind for giving me a chance - even if he is only labelled by me. I don’t want to work on myself so I can be enough. I want someone who I see as my equal. I want someone who is honoured to be mine, and to have me be his. The hilarity in all of it is that the man of my dreams has the ability to be all of what I don’t want or exactly what I want. In fact the only person who decides is me. I can decide whether he is to be a hero for loving me or the one I love who also loves me. 

In that clarity I can also see that I am not ready to choose the latter. If love was to come knocking at my door today, he would be a hero for somehow choosing to love me. Argh I know that’s dumb and not the truth but it’s my default thought pattern. So I need to change it. I am not ready for the love I should know I deserve because I am still believing in a love that is coming to save me. I don’t know how to fix my mindset, I don’t know how to see the idea of being with me as more than a charity. I don’t know. 

I do know that I have been using this quest for love as a cover for other things I want that are scary. Super scary. Like actually writing my novel, owning a home, travelling the world - actually admitting that a relationship isn’t the first thing I think of when I start dreaming. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a raging romantic, and I still want the most intriguing, beautiful, wild, sass filled - love story. But it’s not the only thing I want, and that is good.

And to you, thank you, thank you for reading this. In the short but freeing nine weeks that I have been unravelling my story to you I have also been understanding it for myself more than ever. I am a complicated mess dressed in awkward moments and creative vibes - and it takes a while to know me. It’s going to take a while for me to know me. 

And while we are talking about knowing me, there are plenty of decisions I have recently made that I am now reconsidering. With the new found power to change my mind I am here shouting from the blog style rooftops that I DON’T LIKE MY BUNK BEDS. I really thought I would, I spent a lot of money on them. But I don’t and that’s okay. I also don’t know if I want to live in Auckland anymore. In fact I probably don’t. I just moved here but I think it was a mistake. Oh and I am considering a career change - possibly in the midwifery direction. I say, tread careful with the power of changing your mind. Because it is powerful if you’re not careful you’ll find yourself homeless, loveless, and googling how to get a student loan. 

So what happens now? In this blog, in this quest for finding the love of my life. Some may think by my attitude this week that it is all over, or at least on the back burner. That is true in some respects, some of it is over, or it needs to be. But the Emma who wants to fall in love, the Emma who wants to kiss and pay bills with the same person is still very much here. She’s just more aware of the road ahead. One that is paved with further learning, letting go of expectations, refusing to believe he will only love her if he’s into charity. A road that looks like changing her mind. A lot. 

The end. 

Jokes, this is not the end at all, far from. See you next week where we dive into the years where I packed a lot of baggage for the journey I am on now.