How to find Love - the intro.

An ambitious title some might say. I would certainly say that, as I sit here on my couch in my very oversized hoodie, leggings and socks with 2.5 holes in them listening to low fi beats and writing to you. How to find love - an exploration. And no, I am not talking about the love for chocolate or scrapbooking or writing or for yourself or whatever else single girls are told to focus on. I am talking about the love that makes you do crazy things, like tell someone you’d move for them, or cook them tupperware dishes just because they mentioned liking that food once. I’m talking about romance, the rooooomance. The often over hyped - yet as I am told by humans far wiser than me - beautiful mundane state of knowing that another human wants to both kiss you and help you pay the bills. Do I know how to find it? absolutely not. One might even say I have a very bad track recording in attempting to. 

Where is it? That’s a natural follow on question. I think I've been through all the stages and theories and looped back around again. I grew up standing in the front garden, confident that the love of my life would wander up the street and that would be it, our parents would take a little convincing but ultimately we would be married by sixteen, my furniture design business would boom and he, the selfless stay at home dad would have our twelve children seated at the table waiting for me to walk in the door, say grace and tell our one quiet child; Daisy to go first in the rounds of “how was your day”.

After that dream died, another was born; I was sure I would meet the man of my dreams on the Interislander ferry. It was six hours of that year that I really did give it my all, being ten I was unsure what flirting was, but I knew in that moment I was doing it. And when the ferry chapter closed, I moved onto the intermediate boys, which is a part of my story too sacred and too intense to explain in this list like format. Lets just say it was the age wherein I got a decent amount of pocket money and therefore could buy my crushes gifts. I digress. High school I was convinced, ugh, convinced my husband would be in my brothers hockey team, believe me I tried to make it work with a few of them. I was the world’s most attentive and inspired water girl.

And since high school, well, don’t you love weird friendships with emotionally constipated counterparts? Apparently I do, because that’s really all that’s been going on. Minus a few grown up dates, a couple week long affairs, some accidental druggings and an honourable mention in one international fling which I 100% should’ve moved to London for. Why am I telling you this? Great question, I am also not sure but one key takeaway is that I have looked in a lot of places, in fact before I walk into any room, I stop, I take a moment and I say ‘the love of your life could be in here Emma’ Sad, or optimistic you pick. 

Do I believe in predetermined soul mates? Great question Janice, - no. Do I believe that you can love someone so much they become your soul mate, absolutely, whatever that means. Do I believe that the love of my life is going to walk up my street, and whisk me away? - I am not ruling out anything. I mean who I am to tell love what it is supposed to be? Do I still believe in crazy love? Of course. Do I think I sound desperate? Absolutely - desperation is what love is all about. No desire to be in love? Then why would you go looking for it. Duh. Do I realise I am twenty three and not yet in a complicated time frame? Yes - but also what does twenty three have to do with anything, I’ve had one eye opened for this mystery man since the second thought I remember thinking. It feels like I am sliding down a weird slope of defending myself in this quest to find love so i’m going to stop that right here; in the words of Jess Day, "I am single and sufficient." But that doesn’t mean I have to be, I could also be in love and sufficient. 

Reader, whoever you are, this was an introduction to a story I am hoping you will stick around for. We may go back in time, or perhaps have juicy details on the current day to day. We may spend some time swimming in a couple of self published novels where I will of course have code names for all the boys I've loved before. Perhaps if you’re really lucky I may even share a letter or too, that I wrote with arms wide and heart dangerously exposed. Whatever it may be, whoever he is or isn’t, I am now considering you a safe space to divulge all such information. 

So, men, heterosexual aged 23- (grey area), just so you know I am ready to date, and attempt to captivate you with a couple of well timed blinks. My self discovery tank is full and I have recently learnt how to apply highlighter so it’s going to be a wild ride. 

Unapologetically,

Emma